I'm wonderin' if my heart will survive this...
if this is the biggest heartache I'll feel in my life.
It's impossible to escape.
I've dealt with this the hard way.

I'm in tears right now, wondering where my life is going.
Everything of this world is so meaningless... and whenever I try to fill that void, and it doesn't fill it... I remember, oh ya, Christ can fill it. But I also feel like He's always a pace ahead of me. Almost like I cannot catch up.

This Christmas season sucks. That's the gist. It sucks. I cannot be happy, even if I tried.
The birth of my nephew makes me happy for a while, but Nico is not my dad. He, by no means, brings back my daddy. And I hate that... because I want it to much to fill this empty inside me.
I just wish I knew why. Why he wanted to leave here. I want to know where he is. And I so want to be there, too.
Where am I going?
I'm searching, I'm coming up with only sand falling through my fingers. No jewels, no rocks. Sand. And I feel whenever I find a glimpse of Christ, it starts pouring rain and I end up losing that glimpse. The fog and rain then settles, and once again I'm left with nothing.

Is this grief? Is this me trying to find answers? I have no idea.
I just wish I knew what to do... how to lean on people.
It seems lately, I've wanted to be alone... and only alone.
That crying is how I express my emotion, school is just the time in between me wanting to fall on the ground and weep.

I will not let go, but I am not doing well.

I miss him.

I'm searching, and clinging.

a letter to you

dear daddy,

are you really gone? cause i was looking forward to the day that you walk me down to my graduation, and even my wedding.

but really, it's you we miss.

though you're in a better place now,
it doesn't take away from the way we wish to see your face somehow...
i see the pictures, i remember you like you were here yesterday.
all i want to do is hold your hand.
snuggle up to you, like we used to.
i miss you, and i always will.
but for now, i just wish you were here.

your grandson is here. i know someday i'll tell him about you.
i'll get brad to force him to take music lessons, and i'll sing to him like none other.
i'll sing him all the songs we used to sing together.
i know this is my life now, every second thinking about you.
how i could of been with you more, how much i wish i did.
maybe, when we finally meet again we'll cry happy tears...
i believe i'll see you again. you will never leave my heart,
and everything i do from now on i will have you in mind.

i love you, papa.

maybe...

i was thinking about you... i know i know, he's gotta be out there, out there... i know i know, he's gotta be.
maybe i'm wrong, maybe i'm right.
maybe i just let you walk by...
what can i say, maybe i've known you all my life.
is he the one?
is it today?
will i turn the corner, and see my future in one face...
maybe.

they say, give it time. it will fall in line.
i keep wonderin when and why i haven't met you yet...
but, just maybe. maybe.