if this is the biggest heartache I'll feel in my life.
It's impossible to escape.
I've dealt with this the hard way.
I'm in tears right now, wondering where my life is going.
Everything of this world is so meaningless... and whenever I try to fill that void, and it doesn't fill it... I remember, oh ya, Christ can fill it. But I also feel like He's always a pace ahead of me. Almost like I cannot catch up.
This Christmas season sucks. That's the gist. It sucks. I cannot be happy, even if I tried.
The birth of my nephew makes me happy for a while, but Nico is not my dad. He, by no means, brings back my daddy. And I hate that... because I want it to much to fill this empty inside me.
I just wish I knew why. Why he wanted to leave here. I want to know where he is. And I so want to be there, too.
Where am I going?
I'm searching, I'm coming up with only sand falling through my fingers. No jewels, no rocks. Sand. And I feel whenever I find a glimpse of Christ, it starts pouring rain and I end up losing that glimpse. The fog and rain then settles, and once again I'm left with nothing.
Is this grief? Is this me trying to find answers? I have no idea.
I just wish I knew what to do... how to lean on people.
It seems lately, I've wanted to be alone... and only alone.
That crying is how I express my emotion, school is just the time in between me wanting to fall on the ground and weep.
I will not let go, but I am not doing well.
I miss him.
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