every thing that has breath

you either give yourself to Him, or you don't.

one heck of a year.

once in your life you will find someone, who will turn your world around... bring you up when you're feeling down.
those bryan adams lyrics mean so much to me, for multiple reasons.
so many people have been there for me the past year, it's absolutly incredible.
shout out to my beautiful friends (yes, even you boys!), you know who you are.

it's hard to convey where i'm at still. it's hard to convey that i am a suicide survivor.
recently, i've felt really weak and vulnerable. mostly because things have happened that have shaken me.
adjusting to all that happened changes a lot of people.
i still think about it everyday. that morning. i don't think it'll ever fully pass my mind.
i wish i could have amnesia.
i wish my head could have a break.
but that's what happens, i guess. if you could delete all that you think and feel, and start over, aren't you just back where you started?
i just searched for my dad's RIP page, clicked on it, and started crying.
two months ago, i would of been able to face it and remember him in a good way.
now that a lot of things are changing, i want him here.
that hasn't changed.

i miss my daddy, i will every single day until i die.
i hope i can feel him and sense him on sunday.
it's hard right now, but i know i've got two dad's on my side.

thank you for reading my ramblings.
you are lovely.

For you, whoever you are

A lot of people are hurting. A lot are lost. I don't know why people die, whether it's suicide, heart attack or by the flu. But I do know, that it never gets easy. That person is forever missed, and always remembered by their death. That's why it's so hard to see pictures of my dad, because I want so much for that picture to be reality, and for him to pop out and be here. I know that will never happen again, he will never be here. He will forever be a memory that I think of and struggle with for the rest of my life. And sometimes, that's not comforting. Sometimes I want to crawl in a ball and never leave because I never want to have to deal with things that are real and very much important. Don't hide what you're feeling. I know allot of people who have lost someone recently and it's bringing everything back for me. I don't know why God puts death on us, and why right now it's happening so much around me but I pray that those of you who have lost someone either now or ever, trust in something. Give everything to Christ, because He is the only one who gives healing, rest and peace in the bulk. Everyone needs a little rest. Life, even when it gets you down, hope will turn it all around. But love is the greatest of these. Everyone needs a little.

I'm wonderin' if my heart will survive this...
if this is the biggest heartache I'll feel in my life.
It's impossible to escape.
I've dealt with this the hard way.

I'm in tears right now, wondering where my life is going.
Everything of this world is so meaningless... and whenever I try to fill that void, and it doesn't fill it... I remember, oh ya, Christ can fill it. But I also feel like He's always a pace ahead of me. Almost like I cannot catch up.

This Christmas season sucks. That's the gist. It sucks. I cannot be happy, even if I tried.
The birth of my nephew makes me happy for a while, but Nico is not my dad. He, by no means, brings back my daddy. And I hate that... because I want it to much to fill this empty inside me.
I just wish I knew why. Why he wanted to leave here. I want to know where he is. And I so want to be there, too.
Where am I going?
I'm searching, I'm coming up with only sand falling through my fingers. No jewels, no rocks. Sand. And I feel whenever I find a glimpse of Christ, it starts pouring rain and I end up losing that glimpse. The fog and rain then settles, and once again I'm left with nothing.

Is this grief? Is this me trying to find answers? I have no idea.
I just wish I knew what to do... how to lean on people.
It seems lately, I've wanted to be alone... and only alone.
That crying is how I express my emotion, school is just the time in between me wanting to fall on the ground and weep.

I will not let go, but I am not doing well.

I miss him.

I'm searching, and clinging.

a letter to you

dear daddy,

are you really gone? cause i was looking forward to the day that you walk me down to my graduation, and even my wedding.

but really, it's you we miss.

though you're in a better place now,
it doesn't take away from the way we wish to see your face somehow...
i see the pictures, i remember you like you were here yesterday.
all i want to do is hold your hand.
snuggle up to you, like we used to.
i miss you, and i always will.
but for now, i just wish you were here.

your grandson is here. i know someday i'll tell him about you.
i'll get brad to force him to take music lessons, and i'll sing to him like none other.
i'll sing him all the songs we used to sing together.
i know this is my life now, every second thinking about you.
how i could of been with you more, how much i wish i did.
maybe, when we finally meet again we'll cry happy tears...
i believe i'll see you again. you will never leave my heart,
and everything i do from now on i will have you in mind.

i love you, papa.

maybe...

i was thinking about you... i know i know, he's gotta be out there, out there... i know i know, he's gotta be.
maybe i'm wrong, maybe i'm right.
maybe i just let you walk by...
what can i say, maybe i've known you all my life.
is he the one?
is it today?
will i turn the corner, and see my future in one face...
maybe.

they say, give it time. it will fall in line.
i keep wonderin when and why i haven't met you yet...
but, just maybe. maybe.

clingin'

oh, christmas season... you have only brought me tears.
on the way home from school today, the song called 'I Wonder was Christmas in Heaven is like' by Sara Schieber. her husband passed away a little while ago, and left her with 3 children.
"Is the snow falling down on the streets of gold? Are the mansions all covered in white? Are you singing with angels Silent Night? I wonder . . . what Christmas in Heaven is like"
it brought my mom and i to tears.
somemore lyrics from Sara is

'when your deepest fears come true, and you don't know what to do, sometimes all you can do is breathe in, breathe out... and pray to God that somehow you will find the will to survive.'

'somesay time will heal all things. all the brokeness and pain. and someday all these tears will fade into the years. but right now, it's standing still. and i'm struggling with Your will. i'm trying to make sense of this sense of this hurt i'm living in. i'm wishing time away... i will hold onto Your love and lean on what You say. that Your promises will hold to those who wait.'

'where are you, my beloved. do you realize just how much my heart is bleeding? why did you have to fly away? leave me here to pick up all of the pieces? everyone keeps asking me how i am and how i feel... but i'm just numb to this whole thing... not having you here next to me.'

'the sky is grey, the leaves have fallen, the birds are gone, there's no more singing... til the summer sun comes back around. and with each step through fading memories, time is standing still, and so am i. and the world moves on, and the nights grow cold... and the winds blow strong against my soul. take my hand, and lead me Home. this long october road.'

loving her right now.
til next time. <3.