clingin'

oh, christmas season... you have only brought me tears.
on the way home from school today, the song called 'I Wonder was Christmas in Heaven is like' by Sara Schieber. her husband passed away a little while ago, and left her with 3 children.
"Is the snow falling down on the streets of gold? Are the mansions all covered in white? Are you singing with angels Silent Night? I wonder . . . what Christmas in Heaven is like"
it brought my mom and i to tears.
somemore lyrics from Sara is

'when your deepest fears come true, and you don't know what to do, sometimes all you can do is breathe in, breathe out... and pray to God that somehow you will find the will to survive.'

'somesay time will heal all things. all the brokeness and pain. and someday all these tears will fade into the years. but right now, it's standing still. and i'm struggling with Your will. i'm trying to make sense of this sense of this hurt i'm living in. i'm wishing time away... i will hold onto Your love and lean on what You say. that Your promises will hold to those who wait.'

'where are you, my beloved. do you realize just how much my heart is bleeding? why did you have to fly away? leave me here to pick up all of the pieces? everyone keeps asking me how i am and how i feel... but i'm just numb to this whole thing... not having you here next to me.'

'the sky is grey, the leaves have fallen, the birds are gone, there's no more singing... til the summer sun comes back around. and with each step through fading memories, time is standing still, and so am i. and the world moves on, and the nights grow cold... and the winds blow strong against my soul. take my hand, and lead me Home. this long october road.'

loving her right now.
til next time. <3.

truth

i may not be able to feel it now in the midst of all this hurt, but He's here.

He's here.

hm...

what am i doing?
i'm constantly in this cycle, when am i gonna be found by someone who really cares?
who's gonna be there?
i don't wanna hit that brick wall anymore.
why is this my life?
intense questions... and the true answer isn't found on this earth, i know that.
i need to keep reminding myself of Christ's strength... and how He needs to be in everything i do, or it will not happen. i see couples getting together, being happy... yet i'm stuck in this circle of loneliness.
i hear all the love songs, and it's no wonder the sad ones are always the most played on my itunes.
will i ever get there? has He got me someone picked out, and am i just going insane?
insanity, yes. but for those who know me, isn't that who i am? naturally insane?
will i ever get that person, who am i kidding. i have no idea. and i never will til it happens. but if i continue to jinx it out, then what. if i continue to go insane, and that person continues to run away... then what.
my mind is so clouded and it's not getting clearer.
i realize things have changed for me. intense things have happened in my life, ugh i hate trying to type about it. and i'm sitting here, wondering how God is gonna use this tragedy to help others... but if i'm stuck here... where am i going? i'm so frustrated and i so want to just be free of these chains. free of these burdens that i feel whenever he's mentioned. that whenever we drive by the cemetary in which he is buried, how i try to look away so i won't break down. how some people in my family i cannot stand because all they do is remind me of is that my dad is gone. i know, the answers to any of this is revealed in time, just believe in Christ and seek Him out. right?
i miss him so much. i remember all the times he came home, the first thing he said was 'hello puppy boyyy!!!' as hershey greeted him at the door way. those things, at the moment, pissed me off for some reason... that my heart broke because all he did was go to work. i wanted him to become a Christian so bad, i forgot what was most important. spending time with him. being there. but as a teenager, i had no idea. none of us did. i don't blame myself, i just wish i did more. even if i did more and he still took his life... i just wish i did more. if you are reading this, i am so surprised. that you would take the time to read these jumbled words... i don't know why you are.
i want to thank you, though. not a lot of people have sat down with me since and asked me how i'm doing. let me weep, let me be. being alone is what i need most lately, for some reason. if i have too much time with people, i get sick of it and want to be alone with my thoughts. i can only take a little amount of time acting like this never happened. yeah, these posts are ending up being just me venting... so... i say a lot of things and their just the things on my mind in that one moment. don't be alarmed, i would never do what he did. just sometimes, i need to tell someone... even if it's just my blogspot.
til next time.

i will never leave Your hands

it's been a rough couple months since my dad left. you must be saying to yourself, uhmmm duh samara... you lost your earthly strength. your rock. and yes, i did. and man, if i even thought about this for a second before it happened, which i didn't, i know i would not know how intense the grief really is.
i find myself so different now. all my emotions are everywhere, i'm scatterbrained.... i can never get a grip onto what i'm feeling. i've been searching for something, and hiding who i really am. who knew the loss of someone this close could cause this? my relationships are stronger, some of them yes. but i feel pushed away from everyone all together. whenever i'm talking with someone, are they thinking about what they say? it seems so many people have forgotten.
my dad would of been 60 on december 25th, 2010. if i can get through this season, i am sure Christ has the biggest hold on me.... it's still faint now. i'm getting caught up in ridiculous things, things i know are wrong.
how could something so horrible happen? i know one thing has changed: Christ has given me such a heart for people... it's incredible really. i wish i could be deeper with Him. i get so frustrated sometimes, because i was so lost and didn't know where to go, and this tragedy happens.
i do not know where i am going with my life, and right now hope is very distant.

first for everything

hi all :) this is the first blog on this new one. i sure hope you enjoy my words.


this is solely to confess my faith, and let my thoughts out.


sometimes i feel weighted down, and that Christ is all there is out there. this i know will help me.


new post coming soon, i've got homework like nobodies business!!!