it's been a rough couple months since my dad left. you must be saying to yourself, uhmmm duh samara... you lost your earthly strength. your rock. and yes, i did. and man, if i even thought about this for a second before it happened, which i didn't, i know i would not know how intense the grief really is.
i find myself so different now. all my emotions are everywhere, i'm scatterbrained.... i can never get a grip onto what i'm feeling. i've been searching for something, and hiding who i really am. who knew the loss of someone this close could cause this? my relationships are stronger, some of them yes. but i feel pushed away from everyone all together. whenever i'm talking with someone, are they thinking about what they say? it seems so many people have forgotten.
my dad would of been 60 on december 25th, 2010. if i can get through this season, i am sure Christ has the biggest hold on me.... it's still faint now. i'm getting caught up in ridiculous things, things i know are wrong.
how could something so horrible happen? i know one thing has changed: Christ has given me such a heart for people... it's incredible really. i wish i could be deeper with Him. i get so frustrated sometimes, because i was so lost and didn't know where to go, and this tragedy happens.
i do not know where i am going with my life, and right now hope is very distant.
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