hm...

what am i doing?
i'm constantly in this cycle, when am i gonna be found by someone who really cares?
who's gonna be there?
i don't wanna hit that brick wall anymore.
why is this my life?
intense questions... and the true answer isn't found on this earth, i know that.
i need to keep reminding myself of Christ's strength... and how He needs to be in everything i do, or it will not happen. i see couples getting together, being happy... yet i'm stuck in this circle of loneliness.
i hear all the love songs, and it's no wonder the sad ones are always the most played on my itunes.
will i ever get there? has He got me someone picked out, and am i just going insane?
insanity, yes. but for those who know me, isn't that who i am? naturally insane?
will i ever get that person, who am i kidding. i have no idea. and i never will til it happens. but if i continue to jinx it out, then what. if i continue to go insane, and that person continues to run away... then what.
my mind is so clouded and it's not getting clearer.
i realize things have changed for me. intense things have happened in my life, ugh i hate trying to type about it. and i'm sitting here, wondering how God is gonna use this tragedy to help others... but if i'm stuck here... where am i going? i'm so frustrated and i so want to just be free of these chains. free of these burdens that i feel whenever he's mentioned. that whenever we drive by the cemetary in which he is buried, how i try to look away so i won't break down. how some people in my family i cannot stand because all they do is remind me of is that my dad is gone. i know, the answers to any of this is revealed in time, just believe in Christ and seek Him out. right?
i miss him so much. i remember all the times he came home, the first thing he said was 'hello puppy boyyy!!!' as hershey greeted him at the door way. those things, at the moment, pissed me off for some reason... that my heart broke because all he did was go to work. i wanted him to become a Christian so bad, i forgot what was most important. spending time with him. being there. but as a teenager, i had no idea. none of us did. i don't blame myself, i just wish i did more. even if i did more and he still took his life... i just wish i did more. if you are reading this, i am so surprised. that you would take the time to read these jumbled words... i don't know why you are.
i want to thank you, though. not a lot of people have sat down with me since and asked me how i'm doing. let me weep, let me be. being alone is what i need most lately, for some reason. if i have too much time with people, i get sick of it and want to be alone with my thoughts. i can only take a little amount of time acting like this never happened. yeah, these posts are ending up being just me venting... so... i say a lot of things and their just the things on my mind in that one moment. don't be alarmed, i would never do what he did. just sometimes, i need to tell someone... even if it's just my blogspot.
til next time.